I’ve now been going to the gym for a little over two months and I have seen and learned some very amusing things in this time. Believe me you learn to people watch like it’s a job when you need to spend 60 minutes on the elliptical or stationary bike. You can just forget it if you think I’m going to spend an hour on the treadmill. Anyway, here are my favorite things to observe while torturing myself for an hour…in no particular order.
20 something year old guy who works out in a baseball hat everyday and joined the “boot camp” class
There are so many things I want to say to you. I’m going to start with the fact that working out in a baseball hat is pretty darn stupid, even more stupid is the fact that I am sure it was at least a $40 baseball hat, the brim is still stick straight and you wear it cocked to the side. I’m sure in some arenas this makes you very cool. However, for me it just makes you seem lamer and the fact that you flirt with every girl in the boot camp class and invite them to go wakeboarding with you is weird. Beyond weird is the bit of upsetting information that you have a wife and she attends the same gym. Rein in the hormones and stop dressing like a douche. You’re not nearly as cool as you think.
60+ year old Madonna wanna-be
It was much easier to be amused by you until I found out that you’re really a nice little lady. However, there are certain things I don’t need to see when you’re at the gym. I don’t need to see your old lady boobs almost falling out of your shirt and I most definitely did not need to see the tattoos you have adorning them. It’s like picturing my mom with boob tattoos and I feel that should be avoided. You also gain amusement points because you sing to yourself well busting it out on the elliptical and that can make anyone’s day better, especially when it’s “Toxic” by Britney Spears. I honestly think she might be the only artist you listen to while you workout. How about adding a little Madonna to go along with your look? Despite everything, you are the most amusing person at the gym because you just don’t care what people think while you’re there. I know you must care what people think to a certain degree because you’re at the gym and weigh yourself everyday. By the way if you gave that up you’d be much happier, the weighing yourself everyday thing not anything else. My favorite part about you is the way you run on the treadmill. The treadmill is almost my mortal enemy, but you embrace your time spent together to the extent that you run like Phoebe from Friends and that just can’t get any better. In closing Madonna wanna-be the few things that I find strange you make up for them ten fold just with the Phoebe run, so keep it up. It keeps me coming to the gym.
80 something guy duo that workout together all the time
At first I thought you were just nice little old men and then I realized your both pervs. Thanks for noticing that I’ve lost weight, but if you could avoid staring at my ass I would appreciate it.
50 something man that pays to have a trainer, but continually tells him “No”
Why do you pay someone to tell you how to get in shape if you’re never going to listen and continually tell him you can’t do it? How do you ever expect to get “whipped into shape” if you keep skipping appointments and only doing half the work? It’s not easy to lose weight or gain that male trapezoidal body shape. You have to work for it and from what I have seen that’s not something you want to do. If I have to hear you tell me how great your trainer is one more time I might hit you. Not because he is a bad trainer, but because I don’t think you know anything about it.
Creepy trainer guy
I’ve been coming to the gym for over two months and last week was the first time you have said anything to me that didn’t immediately make me want to recoil back into a safety shell. I would appreciate if you didn’t leer at me while I workout and to be honest I don’t get that at all. You can think whatever you want about a girl working out, but I promise there is nothing about me working out that should invite those sort of looks. I’m drenched in sweat (some of it places I honestly never knew could sweat), my hair is sticking to my face and neck, I’m a fabulous shade of red that would likely match a tomato, and I honestly smell awful. If any of that was close to a turn on I can help you find someone to talk to about it.
Newlywed Workout Couple
At first I thought it was really cute that you worked out together. It’s always nice to have a support system while doing something difficult. Then I watched the two of you. New husband, you’re not a trainer so stop telling her how to workout. She needs a different workout than you. You’re trying to gain muscle and she wants to lose weight. You need to back her off the weights and move her into something cardio. New wife, you’re husband is not the hottest man in the world and I wouldn’t put up with him yelling at me like that in front of people. Also if you’re consuming only half of the calories you’re burning in a workout you would be dead. Stop whining about gaining weight, its all muscle because you’re following your husband’s muscle building workout. Come to the gym together, but workout separately. Oh yeah, and its certainly not okay to monopolize the ab machine for a half hour because you’re too busy chatting and watching each other to get your reps in. Congratulations on getting each other to the gym, now spend some time apart while there and find a real fit for yourself.
Hardcore workout couple
You both creep me out a little, but mainly you, hardcore workout husband. The way you talk to your wife annoys me and I wish one day she would just kick the shit out of you like I know she could. Appreciate her beauty and stop pointing out all of her flaws. Hardcore workout wife, I am amazed by all the weight lifting you do and how toned you are, but wish you had the confidence to go along with all that.
Don’t worry I am sure there are people that find me to be the most amusing person at the gym and that doesn’t bother me at all. I’m there to get in shape again and if it involves a little humor along the way that is great. I’m only halfway to my weight goal so there could be much more amusement to come. You’ll all have to wait and see!
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